Days followed days and years were meaningless...

Eyes betray the soul and bear it's thinking.
Beyond words they say so many things to me.
A stranger here reborn it seems
awaking wonders deep in me.
If nothing's ventured nothing's gained
so I must seize the day.

And fighting time so hard I pray
that this moment lasts forever.
And will the world stay standing still at least for me.
Through my eyes stare into me.
I bear my heart for all to see.
With my face turned to the sun there ever standing still.

It wasn't you it wasn't me it wasn't anyone.
It was a day so long awaited and a chance to be as me.
I let the wind run through my hands
as I turned to walk away.
In distant days I long to sense it all so clear.

And fighting time so hard I pray
that this moment lasts forever.
And will the world stay standing still at least for me.
Through my eyes stare into me.
I bear my heart for all to see.
With my face turned to the sun there ever standing still.
And fighting time so much I ask.
I will this moment last forever.
Though seasons change and things come to pass
remain inside of me.
And fighting time so hard I pray
that this moment lasts forever.
and will the world stay standing still at least for me.

I had no faith before that day in any vow or deed.
Days followed days and years were meaningless.
Despite the wisdom of defeat
I bore my heart for all to see the wonders I'd seen.

In the morning I wake up
And in the night I sleep
Since the day that I was born
Repeat, repeat, repeat
Brought to this life
Born to this life
Where was I before?
Non-existent? Not at all?
Will I ever know?

Today is my birthday
And I get one every year
And some day...
Hard to believe
But I'll be buried six feet underground

Subconciously motivated natural instinct
Alter nature for the pleasure
Orthocycline
Flirt with conception
Slow the cycle
Will the baby grow?
Social tradition interferes
Control, control, control

Today is my birthday
And I get one every year
And some day...
Hard to believe
But I'll be buried six feet underground
I'll be dead and gone, no longer around

Spinning, spinning
Before I can recall
All the unknown chemicals
Control the cycle
The successive generations
From dust to dust
Burying my grandma
Then give birth to my own daughter

Today is my birthday
And I get one every year
And some day...
Hard to believe
But I'll be buried six feet underground

Today is my birthday
And I get one every year
And some day...
Hard to believe
But I'll be buried six feet underground
I'll be dead and gone, no longer around
I'll be buried six feet underground

Why does everything feel like it's falling apart?

Life shouldn't be this hard, this cruel, and it shouldn't hurt this much.

My nose hurts. :X

...I had thoughts to write about, but I lost the motivation. So I thought I'd write about what's been going on, but then I remembered my life is painfully boring.

How depressing.

It's raining.

It's raining and I feel good today. With each passing day it gets better and better, yet there's still a part of me that feels like I SHOULD feel like I'm floundering, falling behind. Is there a measure? Is there some other potential I should be living up to? Of this I'm uncertain.

However, I DO know that for the time being, I feel okay. And shouldn't that be enough? Whose expectations should I be living up to, if not my own? Don't I always say that I don't expect anything? Well, not of anyone else. Of myself, I expect the utmost.

...I DO give my utmost. I put it forth in the little things, and I feel that regardless of my work, I live with conviction and put my time into that which I love. Am I slighting myself? Maybe I'm a little lazy. Jesus Christ, girl, you're twenty-two years old, why do you need to topple the world now? You have time to develop yourself, it's okay to take time to enjoy yourself.

I feel guilty for not feeling guilty anymore. I have a problem.

At least there's coffee. u.u And it's payday. Maybe I'll go pick up my check in a couple hours.

I'm moving again on Friday.

I'm thrilled and nervous and impatient.

I don't know what to do with myself. :X Two days off between end of work tomorrow and moving day will be torturous, because there isn't much left to get together.

Rawr.

I second-guess every decision and sit around and feel horrible about things that aren't even remotely my fault. Why should I feel guilty for something as silly as wanting to try a new department at work?

Ugh. I'm stupid.

I'm moving into paint at work, and I'm terribly anxious. I think this is just my natural response whenever I move into something kinda new.

Waaaiiii.

Gonna be moving into a new place again a couple months from now. The world keeps on growing and changing and it's time to start changing with it. No more looking back and wondering how it would have worked out, had I done things just a little differently.

My today is brilliant, and I would have it no other way.

...to not feel hurried, rushed, or afraid lately. Some part of me seems to have finally decided to let the chips fall where they may and keep on walking. It's not worth the aggravation to spend so much time fretting about whether I'm doing the "right" thing. To simply do is to be free, and this is what feels right.

Huzzah.

Since moving back home I've been spending an average of two or three nights a week at home and four or five at Alex's place. :P Granted the situation here is much better, I've deduced that I pretty much just hate being here for some reason. Maybe part of it is not feeling like I'm the same kid anymore, but I also just feel this distance from my family. When I do try to talk to them about things, they don't seem terribly interested in what I have to say and asking them about their days just begets mono-syllable answers.

I've pretty much decided I do need to start taking more pictures. I'd like to kind of document things as they are a little more often...and start taking pictures of the people who matter most to me. Right now I mostly just take pictures of my cats and never upload them. o_o;;

That, and I think I'm going to take some serious time off from school for now. I just...I just don't care anymore. It should bother me, but honestly I think school just isn't where I'm at anymore. Maybe it has something to do with working full time ever since I've graduated and having to pay my way through everything. Or...maybe it's something else. And if I never go back, would that be so terrible? Even though it's not like raking in money, I do like my job, and from there I do have the opportunity to learn a lot of different things. Not having a degree will not make me a bad person. I can still do art projects and be crazy and be me, learning new things.

I think it's just time to sit back and relax for awhile. :X Take some time to live for myself, and not for the goals I had when I was eighteen. Trying makes me feel like I'm living someone else's dream now. Puu~

I am still extremely angry about so many things, despite all the wonderful things I have that fill me with joy.

At the moment, my main source of rage is my family. It's a quiet, seething rage, but a rage nonetheless. And it's kind of petty, but it's about money. Look, it's great that they let me move back home AGAIN, and it's perfectly understandable that I help out a little and chip in for my car insurance/cell phone bills. They've been cool about that. But what fucking makes me want to run up the black flag is how my father REFUSES to even chip in for less than half of my tuition for school(and I'm only taking two freakin' classes), full-well knowing I'm just coming from my old apartment and trying to get all my bills paid off. Better still, he unquestioningly pays for my dumbass brother's FULL LOAD of classes he will probably fail. My brother who still has no job, no money, and contributes nothing to the house. Yeah, he's still coming off having a lot of issues and blah, blah, blah, but shit.

I'm tired of feeling penalized by them for being the responsible one. If I quit my job and screw up enough, will they let me lay around the house all day and pay for my school for me? Just because I haven't really ever asked for help, doesn't mean I couldn't use some fucking help once in awhile.

On the bright side, I feel the most myself I've felt in ages. The things I want are clear to me and where I want to go. The journey in-between is a little murky, but I'll make it.

Alex makes my life a thousand times better.

Best. Thanksgiving. Ever.

I'm angry, frustrated, broke, with few options and I'm going to have to move back in with my parents again for at least a couple months. This fills me with rage.

...But I'm the happiest I've been in about four years!! Strange how that works. o_o

I will swallow
If it will help my sea level go down
But I'll come back to haunt you if I drown
I will swallow
If it will help my sea level go down
I'll take a deep deep breath
But I'll come back to haunt you if I drown

***

Is anyone else on last.fm? I'm becoming obsessed with this site.

In other news, I am the happiness I have been in a view long time.

There are bumps here and there, I'm a little worried about some things, but others are working themselves out so well that it's hard to be terribly upset.

I'm worried about Joyce, she's hit a serious rough spot. There isn't really much I can do for her about it, save hope for the best.

I may also have to move back in with my parents again; most of you probably don't understand exactly why that is so terribly frustrating for me, and I'm not going to go into it here. Suffice to say, home is not a good place for me to be. However, I have some tentative plans for a new living arrangement come March, which I feel very optimistic about. I'm pretty excited to see how that pans out.

And finally, I feel well and truly loved for the first time in quite a while, very simply and genuinely. It feels amazing.

In the morning I wake up
And in the night I sleep
Since the day that I was born
Repeat, repeat, repeat
Brought to this life
Born to this life
Where was I before?
Non-existent? Not at all?
Will I ever know?

Today is my birthday
And I get one every year
And some day...
Hard to believe
But I'll be buried six feet underground

Subconciously motivated natural instinct
Alter nature for the pleasure
Orthocycline
Flirt with conception
Slow the cycle
Will the baby grow?
Social tradition interferes
Control, control, control

Today is my birthday
And I get one every year
And some day...
Hard to believe
But I'll be buried six feet underground
I'll be dead and gone, no longer around

Spinning, spinning
Before I can recall
All the unknown chemicals
Control the cycle
The successive generations
From dust to dust
Burying my grandma
Then give birth to my own daughter

Today is my birthday
And I get one every year
And some day...
Hard to believe
But I'll be buried six feet underground

Today is my birthday
And I get one every year
And some day...
Hard to believe
But I'll be buried six feet underground
I'll be dead and gone, no longer around
I'll be buried six feet underground

It's come to my attention that there isn't much of myself I've shared when I DO post lately. Most of it is cryptic and nondescript, leaving most of whatever readers I have left to this thing in the dark. That's somewhat unfortunate, though I haven't really felt resolve to remedy this. Instead, here's a meme. XD

( mememememe.... )

Because I did it on Liz's page, might as well repost and keep it going~

If you're on my friends list, I want to know 36 things about you. I don't care if we never talk, or if we already know everything about each other. Short and sweet is fine... you're on my list, so I want to know you better!

Comment here and repost a blank one on your own journal.

01) Are you currently in a serious relationship?
02) What was your dream growing up?
03) What talent do you wish you had?
04) If I bought you a drink what would it be?
05) Favorite vegetable?
06) What was the last book you read?
07) What zodiac sign are you?
08) Any Tattoos and/or Piercings? Explain where.
09) Worst Habit?
10) If you saw me walking down the street would you offer me a ride?
11) What is your favorite sport?
12) Do you have a Pessimistic or Optimistic attitude?
13) What would you do if you were stuck in an elevator with me?
14) Worst thing to ever happen to you?
15) Tell me one weird fact about you.
16) Do you have any pets?
17) What if I showed up at your house unexpectedly?
18) What was your first impression of me?
19) Do you think clowns are cute or scary?
20) If you could change one thing about how you look, what would it be?
21) Would you be my crime partner or my conscience?
22) What color eyes do you have?
23) Ever been arrested?
24) Bottle or can soda?
25) If you won $10,000 today, what would you do with it?
27) What's your favorite place to hang out at?
28) Do you believe in ghosts?
29) Favorite thing to do in your spare time?
30) Do you swear a lot?
31) Biggest pet peeve?
32) In one word, how would you describe yourself?
33) Do you believe/appreciate romance?
34) Favourite and least favourite food?
35) Do you believe in God?
36) Will you repost this so I can fill it out and do the same for you?

Things are starting to pick up. This month and next I have a little rainfall of extra cash coming in, which gives me the opportunity to pick up a few things I need, pay off credit cards substantially, and maybe get a new tattoo for my birthday next month. Excitement!

School has been going well, though I slept through class on Monday, which I wasn't happy about. And I know I'm going to have to miss class again in October for head cashier classes one day next month, which I'm not happy about. But I'll talk to my teacher tomorrow and I figure all things will work out in the end.

Also a little unhappy has today was a hectic day at work, though somewhat fun. I talked to one of my coworkers more than usual today and Paul for awhile, which was nice. I was a little bummed though, because a friend of mine got fired today. Sadness. But hopefully we'll still be friends outside of work and possibly get to hang out more, we'll see.

Overall, it's really nice to start to feel okay about the way of things again. I just wish I could get my sleeping in order, I'm tired all the time lately it seems. When I finally get around to sleeping I sleep for hours upon hours.

I think I'll work on drawings for my tattoo for awhile tonight.